Space: The Final Funtier Part 1 - Spock in Wonderland
by Hades-the-Sexy
Summary: Part 1 in a Jim\Spock series. When the away team disappears, Spock follows a 'white rabbit' carrying the Captain's communicator. He is plunged into a very illogical world. Hilarity ensues as he tries to save the away team, and most of all his Captain. 100% not serious. Tune in, it's a laugh :)
1. The Landing Party Goes Into the Light

**SPOCK IN WONDERLAND**

 **The Away Team Goes into The Light and Spock Reminisces About his Teddy Bear**

"Come on, the signal is this way." Jim beckoned to Sulu, Mccoy and the rest of the away team. He crept along with stealth – well, as much stealth as a man in a bright yellow shirt can have on a planet with entirely black vegetation. In fact, they all stood out like the gigantic rainbow flag that had been painted on the side of Earth's White House in the late 2100's. Yet this did not stop them _pretending_ to creep along like stealthy assassins. Oh if only the Enterprise, with all its technology, had camouflage equipment.

"I don't know about this Jim." Mccoy raised that lethal eyebrow that had brought lesser men to their knees. "A distress signal, but no life-forms? Sounds like a mistake at best and a trap at worst."

"Mccoy, stop being so cheerful. You're making the whole team seem glum." The Captain clapped his surgeon on the shoulder with a smile that Mccoy had long ago filed under 'smarmy little shite' in his head. "It is our duty as a Federation Ship to investigate any distress signals in our vicinity."

"Captain, what's – " Before Jim could follow the line of Sulu's strong fencing arm as he pointed, there was a flash of white light and the world vanished.

. . .

"Stardate 2396.8, First Officer Spock's log. The away team, including the Captain have disappeared on the Planet Raegin Twelve. It is possible that they have entered a shielded area, had their communicators destroyed or are destroyed themselves. In all logic, they cannot have simply disappeared. The Enterprise is picking up some sort of signal, but a power source of unknown origin is interfering with the ship's instruments. I have beamed down with Communications officer Uhura and Head Engineer Scotty to investigate the sight of the signal."

Spock snapped his communicator shut and clipped it back on to his belt. Why Starfleet had not issued attachable bungee cords for both phasers and communicators seemed illogical to him, but Starfleet had rejected the idea on the basis that it looked 'uncool' and would make exploration 'less interesting'. Sometimes humans were so illogical, it almost made him have an emotion. But instead of mourning a lost cause, he took out his tricorder. The readings were normal except….there was something. Just over the rise, it seemed.

"Spock to Enterprise." Static. "Spock to Enterprise."

Static again. Interesting, but not surprising. And it did not sound like the Communications officer was just making a 'Kssssshhhhh' sound into the com, as Uhura had done last week to celebrate the Earth custom of April Fools. Why leaving Jim and Mccoy temporarily stranded on a plateau of Trivoski Limb-Huggers for two hours (a life-form that is comprised of many limbs and, in a great herd, likes to cling on to – or 'hug - other life-forms so that the life form cannot move and slowly dies of starvation) was logical, Spock could not see. By now, he thought that the whole crew knew angering Mccoy would make their next physical exam an unsettling experience.

Well, he had one clear course of action, and that was to follow the readings.

The other side of the rise was not dissimilar to the rest of the planet – black vegetation rising to a height of nothing over 1 foot precisely. Except…Fascinating. Spock's fantastically linear brows furrowed slightly. A white life-form resembling an Earth rabbit bounded through the undergrowth, carrying with it what looked like a pair of communicators. Not only that, but it had a waistcoat and a pocket watch. How strange indeed. The planet had not registered any life-forms, and his tricorder was not registering any life as they knew it. So he set his phaser to stun and followed the being.

"Spock to Scotty." Static.

"Spock to Uhura." Static.

He could not contact the Enterprise, he could not contact his away team, and he had no contact with that fal khart-lan Jim's team either, other than this 'rabbit'. So logically, this was the most progressive course of action.

On the other side of the rise opened up a cave or tunnelling of a small size, into which the reading from the communicator led. The dirt walls held some unusual composites, but nothing harmful. This seemed to be an access-way to the power source producing the 'rabbit' form. Why humans insisted on petting creatures like that always escaped him. No, teddy bears with six-inch fangs were far more logical. They were….settling to have around –

The ground opened up beneath him, and the only thought he had before plummeting into blackness was the single word 'fascinating'.

* * *

A/N: So I'm back! I hope you enjoy this - I have got into Star Trek in a huge way recently, so here's a really silly (100% not serious) Star Trek Series to enjoy. :D

Site I use for my Vulcan: /vld/

Original series stardates are the derpiest thing

I'll explain some references, although you guys probably know what they are anyway:

Spock actually had a teddy bear with six inch fangs (they're Vulcan animals called sehlats) when he was little :D Mccoy won't ever let him live it down.

Spock thinking belt-bungees would be logical for communicators (at least) is due to the fact that they get taken\stolen\lost on a regular basis. In the episode Miri it almost costs the entire away team their lives.

Updates will probably be random, but hopefully weekly.

Thanks a heap for reading, and as always tell me what you think!

\- Love, Hades c:


	2. Spock Finds Falling to his Death Boring

**Spock Finds Falling To His Death Quite Boring**

From the bottomless appearance of the pit he was now falling down, and the maximum velocity he had now attained, Spock decided that a final log was in order.

"This is first officer Spock of the U.S.S Enterprise. It appears that I am falling to my death at approximately 120 standard miles per earth hour after following an unidentified object in the form of a rabbit carrying my crewmates' communicators." A piano glided gently past the falling Vulcan. If a Vulcan could express being unamused, Spock would have been the embodiment of it in that second. The piano was followed by several beautifully carven chairs and tables. Light shone from ancient lamps attached to the now check-patterned walls, and illuminated Spock's sparkly silver science insignia in the gloom. "It seems I have discovered a vertical furniture store or storage of some description. Possibly even a dwelling. It is most peculiar."

The descent began to slow. An anti-gravity force, by the nature of it. Hmm. If only his tricorder could pick up where it's power source was; at the moment it seemed ineffective. Well, as he had time whilst falling, he could make some adjustment to it on one of these falling tables.

Before he had time to pull one over, Spock suddenly found his smart Starfleet-issued booties firmly planted on a tiled floor. His superior Vulcan eyes with that superior Vulcan 'science blue' eyeshadow (a far more aesthetically pleasing colour than the 'medical blue' range) caught a glimpse of the white rabbit entity leaving through a door. That appeared to be his path, then. Once he had found his vaksurik Jim he would focus on escape via dismantling the mechanics. It would be illogical to do so now, as they might be the only escape from this underground habitation.

The Vulcan raised one perfectly tweezed eyebrow at the scene in the room now before him. A delicate table stood with a bottle on it labelled 'DRINK ME'. Beside it was a tiny key, assumedly for the tiny door on the opposite end of the room. His own door had vanished like the remaining shreds of Jim's heterosexuality.

"First Officer's log. I have discovered a drink that, by my tricorder reading will cause me to shrink to approximately one quarter of my natural size. Assuming that my equipment will not shrink with me, then this is my final log." He picked up the tiny key, measured out the correct amount of the potion that would reduce him to the size of the door and downed it in one, large, Vulcan gulp. Hmm. It tasted like Mccoy had when Spock had accidentally bitten the doctor during a tooth examination: Like mint, peaches, brandy and a touch of blood. How interesting that those chemicals configured to that very specific taste exactly. Spock had never discovered why Mccoy had tasted of mint and peaches. It was not something they discussed often.

The miniature Vulcan looked around him. One miniature, sloped eyebrow twitched, as he noticed his instruments had indeed shrunk with him, as had his clothes.

"Fascinating and even more fascinating." Said Spock. There beside the key was a piece of cake, with the words 'EAT ME' written on it in what appeared to be decorative raisins. Jim kan-bu had hid himself in a large cake with that exact lettering on it for Spock's birthday.

From the analysed components of the cake before him, the correct amount would enable him to return to his natural size. It was all very convenient, as though something – or somebody – was setting it up. But it would be useful, and there was no alternate way forward. So the tiny Spock unlocked the door and stepped through into Wonderland.

* * *

A/N: Thanks a heap for reading, and I'd love to hear what you think!

Site I use for my Vulcan: /vld/

It's really short, so I'll update really soon c:

I love that both Spock's eyeshadow and sparkly silver science insignia are both very much canon. :D

\- Love, Hades c:


	3. Scotty Cooks Technical Journals

**Scotty Cooks Technical Journals**

What an illogical place. Probably most adequate for humans then. Spock gazed upon the array of clashing colours and strange, debatable life-forms around him. His tricorder did not register the rocking-horse dragonflies, and even the flora that seemed determined to start a conversation with him did not seem alive as per normal rules.

"Look at those little elf ears!" A large, semblance of a petunia waved a leaf in his direction.

"Never mind them ears, Gloria, check out that bay-hind!" Spock did not think it necessary to add being catcalled by a flower to his log, so he carried on. The whirring of his tricorder drowned out a distant 'you can sit on ma mushroom if y'all know what I mean' from behind him. Ah, life forms, and humanoid too, by the readings.

The tiny, logical science officer continued on his hunt for some time, until lo and behold, a house. It was quite possible three members of either his or Ekon ak'shem Jim's landing party were dwelling there, due to the life signs.

Above the door read 'The Duchess'.

"How very dare you turn up for work in casual attire, maid!" It took Spock a moment to realize that a frog in a tuxedo was addressing him. Fascinating.

"I am not a maid, and this is not my place of work. I wish to enter and speak with the inhabitants." He considered performing the Vulcan grip upon this clothed amphibian, but it had never been necessary to experiment this technique on a frog before. If it failed he may, in all logic, get eaten. Something clanged within the abode. A somewhat Scottish roar reached his superior Vulcan ears. Every crew member who had lived through what Jim kan-bu called 'Jaegerbomb Tuesday' (or for Spock himself 'Chocolate Tuesday') could tell that was Scotty.

"You are certainly not going in there without your uniform, young tramp!" The smartly dressed amphibian puffed out it's throat and held out a black and white maid's uniform fitted with a silver, sparkly science insignia.

"I am neither a homeless, nor young. I insist upon entering." The frog just held up the uniform. Well, the logic of the situation was infallible. If he put on the uniform he would neither have to expend time or energy fighting this creature. So Spock donned the outfit, complete with a feather duster, and strode as masterfully as a Vulcan wearing a maid's uniform can do through the front door.

"Aaaargh c'mere for a Glasgow kiss ya little trollop!" It seemed Spock was not the only one in a peculiar outfit; Scotty thundered through the hallway in a classic, almost cartoonish Earth cook's garb, chasing another man-sized frog-servant. He picked it up, gave the creature a headbutt and then took a swig of Scotch. Spock mentally noted to never accept a Glasgow Kiss.

"Chief Engineer Scotty, this is your Commander Spock. Report." Perhaps at this point 'Chef' Engineer Scotty would have been a more appropriate title.

"Aye, aye, you and your hands full-o fingers!" The Vulcan calmly dodged an erratic bottle as Scotty stumbled. "You, aye, you got ten little fingers haven't ye?"

"Leiuten – "

"Me?! I've only got…" The engineer held up his hands (plus bottle) with wide, leaking eyes. "Nine little piggies."

"I do not see how swine correlates with phalanges, officer Scotty, but – " They had made it back to the kitchen now. A large pot of mainly alcohol and technical journals, according to his tricorder readings, was burning on the stove. He made a second mental note to never ask Scotty to cook.

"Aye! Get yer extra fingers here on the double me little maid and serve out this to the Duchess!" Scotty took another swig of whisky and handed him two bowls of the whiskey-and-technical-journal concoction. Whatever was going on here was very illogical, and it was quite possible that the other two crew members in the building were as confused and disorderly as Scotty. But in the absence of the Captain, they were his responsibility. A baby's cry sounded.

"There y'are, the wee one's callin' for some – hic – sustenance." The engineer in an illogically large chef's hat thrust two bowls into his hands, steered him out the door, then promptly passed out. He was no Mccoy, but Spock was certain that Scotty would be fully functional the next day without his help.

"Oh Spock sugar, you brought us some dinner." Uhura, who appeared to have assumed the title of 'the Duchess,' was situated on a chair rocking an infant.

"Lieutenant Uhura, I do not understand your comparison to me and monosaccharides, but I advise we leave this place." He set the bowls down. "As I hold highest rank here, I order – "

"Shhh, the baby's sleeping!" She gave him a sleepy smile and turned the infant to face him. Spock was so unsettled that he nearly, very nearly, had an emotion. The adult face of Chekov was horrendously fused on to an infant's head and body. His red blanket was adorned with a hammer and sickle. "He's so young, the little darling! Cutchee cutchee coo!"

"Cutchee…?" That eyebrow highly trained in the art of sass raised slightly. Would humans ever make sense? The logical answer to that was no.

"You're looking for the Captain, aren't you?" What humans might call a Cheshire cat materialized beside the Vulcan. Except it was not a cat, but the navigation officer Sulu's head with a pair of rather fascinating feline ears. It would make sense that the Captain would be at the centre of all of this. Spock had calculated that in their space travels, Jim was at the centre of the problem 100% of the time. So in all logic, yes.

"It seems so, Sulu. Do you know where he might be?" The grinning face of Sulu spun, and little cat paws floated into existence. At least it was a distraction from Uhura trying to feed the disturbing Chekov baby some of Scotty's whiskey and technical journal stew.

"Follow me." Sulu smiled and floated out of the window. Whatever this was, it seemed to be affecting the entire crew apart from him. Disease? Brainwashing? The tricorder scans did not show up anything for them. But there was something on another frequency. Almost as though some powerful but mechanical influence was controlling them. True, Vulcans did have very superior mental training, so he would have dismissed a minor mind-control attempt without even noticing it. Well, Sulu seemed to be heading in the direction of the power flux, so he returned to the frog at the door to reclaim his Starfleet uniform, and set off after the feline navigation officer.

* * *

A/N:

As always, tell me what you think! I love to hear from you guys c:

Also: Apologies if some parts seem a little AOS, but I'm just making fun of stuff, so hopefully it isn't too intrusive; I couldn't label it as potentially both.

I also couldn't figure out how to show it was a Pairing fic. Any help on that would be appreciated! :)

Site for my Vulcan: /vld/

Inspiration for Jaegerbomb Tuesday: post/109902238045

James Doohan, or Scotty is actually missing a finger, but they always used shots to cover it up. He lost it leading his men through a mine field storming Juno beach on D-Day, but took out two German snipers in the process. He got shot five other times that day, and a cigarette case his brother gave him saved his life. SOME FACTS COZ I'M A NERD AND THIS GUY SHOULD BE APPRECIATED :D

Chekov is the baby because Chekov is the baby squish of the Enterprise

If you haven't heard OS Uhura call Spock 'sugar' I suggest you go watch the OS bloopers on Youtube, they are fantastic :D


	4. Mccoy Pulls A Teacup Out of Odd Places

**Mccoy Pulls a Teapot Out of Unsavoury Places**

The odd pair travelled through the odd landscape for quite some time. For the most part, Spock's highly logical, nigh computerized mind was fixed on whether Jim and his fal ak'shem was safe and alright, and what part he was playing in the highly illogical set up. The other part of him was trying to ascertain the science behind the new Enterprise mascot Sulu's evaporation and levitation skills.

"I just…float." Those big brown eyes blinked in a very contented way. Spock, and probably the entire crew was used to seeing Sulu like this – in an interesting array of statistics, it seemed when the Enterprise encountered a substance or mentality that made one dreamy, 80% of the time Sulu was one of the first to be affected.

"Pass me the laser scalpel, Nurse!" Spock would know the voice of that particular medical officer anywhere. Sometimes it even haunted his dreams and told him he should be eating more salads. At least Doctor Mccoy sounded as though he were less affected than the others. At least that poshayek gluvaya Jim had someone to –

Mccoy would have to get out his 'Moments in History When Spock Was Wrong' log, because Spock had never been so wrong.

In the clearing, a large table had been placed. Nurse Chapel stood on one side, dressed in a hare outfit. Large ears sprouted from her cranium, and buck teeth sat forward on her lip. On the table top lay a dead redshirt, whom Doctor Mccoy (who was wearing a very illogical amount of hats) was cutting open with some enthusiasm.

"Here, Ma'am, have some tea. It's good for your health, you know." The good doctor somehow pulled a teacup out of the dead man, then proceeded to remove a large teapot. The hakarik Captain was nowhere to be seen.

"Sulu, I believe you said you were taking me to see Kirk." He shot a cool glance over at the floating cat officer.

"I thought you might be hungry, Spock." Sulu grinned dreamily and floated toward the table. "Come and join us."

"I would prefer – "

"Ahh, look who it is, mister hob-goblin green blood himself." Mccoy had that gleam in his eye, that gleam that either meant he had just used medicinal knowledge to incapacitate someone or was going to use medicinal knowledge to incapacitate someone. He wasn't Starfleet's #1 most scary officer 3 years running for nothing, and the plastic skeleton in his surgery labelled 'the last officer to talk back to Doctor Mccoy' did not help.

"Take a biscuit, go on, you need sweetening up." The doctor pressed a blood-soaked gingernut into his hand and led him toward the table. Sulu floated overhead munching some gory cake. There was a tinkle in the corner as a tribble popped up out of a teapot and began to inch towards the food. Nurse Chapel gave a disturbing giggle and slam-dunked it back in the teapot again. Fascinating.

"Doctor Mccoy, do you know what is beyond those trees?" It seemed to be where the power source was coming from.

"How about this, Spocko-boy: You listen to our little song we wrote, and we tell you what's through the forest." There was an almighty crunch as Mccoy pulled a sugar bowl out of the dead man's ribcage. He stared at it for an illogical amount of seconds. "Too much sugar this one. That's why he's dead."

"Doctor that is hardly a logical conclusion - "

"You wanna know or not, Spocko-boy?" Bones poured out nothing from the teapot with the tribble in it, looked Spock dead in the eye and sipped nothing from the cup.

"Please, doctor." Just when he thought humans could get no more illogical, they always proved him wrong.

"He wants to hear the song!" Mccoy grinned and raised his arms like a conductor. If Vulcans could look completely and utterly done with everything, Spock was a vision of this. Mccoy, Chapel and Sulu all cleared their throats and began to sing in a strange blend of country, choir and cat yowling. The tribble in the teapot purred a deep bass.

 _Twinkle twinkle little bat_

 _Sulu's turned into a cat_

 _Up above the world so high_

 _Is the starship in the sky_

 _Twinkle twinkle little bat_

 _Jim needs to lose 3lbs of fat_

"He's on salads as I speak!" Mccoy tapped Spock's chest with a bloody rib. "He's through that there forest in the castle, living the life of luxury as I pull biscuits out of a red shirt's ass!"

He turned the glare that had once made a small Klingon cry on the biscuit in his hand. If it had not been so illogical, Spock might have sworn he saw the baked good tremble.

"Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a baker!"

"Perhaps you would accompany me, doctor. Jim may need all the help he can get." Spock rose from the table sans bloody gingernut and Mccoy nodded.

"Yeah, Jim-boy'd lose his head if he didn't have me to screw it back on." The doctor muttered and ate the biscuit with an air of general anger. "Come on Nurse, Sulu and the tea tribble, we're gonna go make tea for the Queen and pray some idiot hasn't stolen those damn tarts again. They're not easy to find in a redshirt!"

The three of them gave crazed laugh, very much like the one Sulu had given a couple of months back when he almost took over the Enterprise shirtless with only a foil. Spock was glad, not for the first time, that he did not have emotions.

* * *

A/N:

As always, tell me what you think! I love to hear from you guys c:

Site I use for my Vulcan: /vld/

There was a S1 episode where Jim literally had to eat salads because he was 3lbs overweight according to Mccoy.

Sulu almost took over the Enterprise shirtless with a foil in the episode The Naked Time.

I'm having a lot of fun writing this, haha :P

Stay awesome!

\- Hades :)


	5. Spock Predicts When He Will Be Emotional

**Spock Predicts When He Will Finally Have an Emotion**

"You lose, off with his head!"

Well, they had found the Captain.

The tricorder readings had led them through a very strange garden with many redshirts Spock did not recognize. They were hanging up tiny models of the Enterprise on rose bushes and pasting posters (made in the ancient paper way) of Jim's smoulder onto hedges. All terribly illogical. Well, Jim's smoulder was always illogical. But a nice kind of illogical.

"Spock, are you in there? Hello, Elrond with a bowl cut?" A hand waved in front of his eyes. Spock had a sudden yet scientific urge to bite it and find out whether the good doctor still somehow tasted of peaches and mint.

"Doctor Mccoy, in your medical opinion, am I blind?"

"No, but I'm starting to question your hearing." A group of dog-caterpillars sitting on a leaf near them made an 'oooh' sound.

"Conceiving a plan to save Jim does not always mean listening to you." The sass was so sharp that Mccoy almost got a real cut. The caterpillar squad hissed and muttered 'burn'.

"Yeah, well next time I'll pull a teacup out your ass, then you might listen to me." The doctor pulled an empty tea cup from what Spock hoped was not his ass and took a sip from it. Nurse Chapel was busy digging a burrow beside the hedgerow while the caterpillars laughed.

In front of them, on the lawn, a lavish table had been set out. On it was a huge set of tiered chess, but instead of pieces there were what appeared to be sentient bugs - but like everything else (except for fal sa-kan Jim) did not register as life-forms. Speaking of Jim, there he was in a nine-inch red wig, a white ball gown covered with red hearts, white and red makeup that made him look like an angry space Geisha and heels that had probably killed a redshirt at some point. Despite all the mental training he had, Spock did not think he could ever burn this memory out of his Vulcan mind. He was seriously considering buying a bar of chocolate after this mission. It seemed like a very logical decision.

"Well go on then, Spock! Go beat him at chess!" Mccoy whipped out a teapot and carefully watered some roses, which promptly died. Everything was so illogical that Spock wasn't even tempted to mutter 'illogical' under his breath in a slightly sassy manner.

"He loses, off with his head!" Captain – or perhaps more fitting – Queen Kirk yelled. At this point, his total wins against mister petakov pra'kruslar over there was approximately zero. Truly, when he won against Jim, he would probably have an emotion. But today was not that day.

"Captain, I think it is time we leave." Was putting a hand on his shoulder necessary? Yes.

"Who _dares_ – " Jim turned and looked him in the eye. They held eye contact for a very, very logical amount of seconds. It was so wonderfully logical, that Spock almost forgot was he was meant to be doing. But he was a Vulcan, not a Vulcan't.

"Captain, this is not real. You and the rest of the crew are under some sort of mind-control." He did not know how to explain Sulu and Nurse Chapel's states. He did not even want to think about Chekov's state. So he let that be.

"Mind control?! Me?" Queen Kirk tossed his towering red hair, at a velocity that Spock calculated would kill a small mammal if one had been in its trajectory path. "I'm the Queen of Hearts, not some brainwashed peasant! Off with his –"

Fal bru-lar Jim glanced up at the tall, dark and somewhat handsome Vulcan and stammered. "Off with his….Trial! We shall have a trial! Take him away!"

"I cannot believe just how many times that works, Spocko-boy." Mccoy munched on a tea cup in his ear, as four red-shirts dragged him away.

* * *

A/N:

Hope you are enjoying it so far, and if you want, feel free to leave a comment or a fav to tell me what you think! :D

Site I use for my Vulcan: /vld/

Sorry it's so short! Will update soon c:

Stay awesome!

\- Hades :)


	6. Jim Kirk is Good at Wearing High Heels

**Captain Kirk is Just a Little Too Good at Wearing High Heels**

"Ye, Spock o' Vulcan, maid of the Dushhess stand accused of High Treason against the Queen of Tarts – hic – I mean Hearts!"  
Whoever was playing this game had somehow brought all the members of the landing parties together, for what Spock assumed should be the finale. Scotty was wearing a judge's wig underneath his chef's hat and was using a meat cleaver as a gavel. Uhura garbled that strange, yet oddly sickening language to the hideous Chekov-baby on a pew to Spock's left. It seemed they had survived Scotty's cooking. Mccoy and Nurse Chapel were arranging an indoor tea party on the other side. The Queen of Hearts was sitting on a huge, gilded throne with a little Enterprise mobile hanging above it, pouting with some skill. Cheshire Sulu was nowhere to be seen. Spock's tricorder began to buzz like the bees Sulu had once released onto the bridge via the air vents when Romulans thought they had captured the helm. Where was it…above him. There was a huge golden nodule, pulsing with lights. That had to be it. All the readings were correct…The power source for the mind and environment control.

"What 'ave ya you got to say fer yourself me laddy?"

"I have to question as to what a large arachnid is doing in the Queen's hair." He said calmly. The whole court looked as Kirk let out one of the highest-pitched noises Spock had ever induced him to make, and batted at his hairpiece. In the predictable, ensuing chaos, the Vulcan whipped out his phaser, set it to maximum and blasted the globe. The beam glanced off the side and hit a redshirt squarely in the heart.

"Hey!" His guards turned to grab him –

"Y'all look mighty thirsty!" Mccoy had sliced that redshirt open faster than Sulu drove the Enterprise into the Sun that one time and began dishing out tea and biscuits to his guards. With a nod to the doctor, Spock slipped away towards the stairs like a shadow that had won the eyebrow lottery.

"You look like you could do with a lift." The grinning navigation officer rolled into his view, his voice as dreamy as that time Mccoy pumped every crew member full of happy drugs to stop Jack the Ripper.

"Can you get me to that globe?"

"Sure can do, Commander." Little kitty claws latched on to his shoulders and all of a sudden they were floating up towards the ceiling. Below them, Scotty was taking a meat cleaver to Jim's hairpiece.

"There y'are." The cat-Sulu gently plopped him on a roof support, four of which curved up toward the nodule. Ah, there was the control panel. It looked complex, but only by human standards.

"Alright, alright." A great booming voice echoed through the hall. The globe discharged itself from the rooftop slot and, humming, floated away. "I should have known better than to include a Vulcan in my fun."

The environment began to melt away, and Spock found himself looking at an empty cave. Well, empty apart from landing parties. An inebriated Scotty was still wearing a wig and a chef's hat, Chekov (thankfully all grown again) was only garbed in a large nappy, Nurse Chapel seemed normal again apart from the rabbit outfit, Sulu had a pair of fake cat ears, Mccoy was utilizing his dangerous eyebrow at his hats and the Captain…he did not seem phased, but sat there with his stern, commanding expression beneath the white foundation and rouge. It would seem logical, that after being almost buried in tribbles, trapped with aliens emulating 1920's earth gangsters, bought by computerized slave traders and having his brother killed by flying jellyfish-like braincells, that Jim would be used to this sort of thing.

"Would somebody care to tell me what is going on?" Spock was as glad as an emotionless alien could be at the sound of that authoritative tone again. He was also mathematically impressed by Jim's ability to walk in heels that high. There was a 40% chance he would break an ankle. Shoes like that were so… illogical.

"I have a theory, Captain." Spock called from the metal ceiling support he was clinging to, which had thankfully not been an illusion.

"Spock!" Jim's woefully weak eyebrows (by Vulcan standards) creased. "What are you doing up there?"

"I will explain later. But I believe the landing parties were subjected to a form of mind-control to mimic the Earth story of Alice in Wonderland. It is possible this has been some sort of test for a new holographic technology of some kind – "

"What about fun?" Down below an elderly human appeared. "Not all of us scientists retire to a boring, book filled planetoid! I wanted to have a bit of fun in my retirement, and my my, has this been entertaining! It was so wonderful to watch my little Vulcan Alice traipse through Wonderland!"

He laughed, but Jim lifted his skirts and marched down the stairs. If Mccoy's eyebrow rose any higher, it would transcend human anatomy.

"Listen to me. You get my first officer out of the rafters. You give my crew their uniforms, communicators and phasers back and you take us to the planet's surface. We a human beings, not playthings!" Usually vai lanet Jim's humanity speeches were rather compelling and inspiring. But with heart-shaped red lipstick on, it was difficult for even the Vulcan on the ceiling to take him seriously.

"Calm down, oh Queen of Hearts. Your uniforms are just down that tunnel, as is the planet's surface. You will be able to contact you ship there. And your first officer can jump down, it's quite alright." Just like the gravity field in the entrance, Spock guessed. And Spock's guesses are not often wrong. He landed neatly beside Mccoy.

"It is not alright. You used a priority one distress call to a Federation Ship. That is a court Marshal offense." The Captain's pacing seemed very different accompanied by the click of stilettos.

"What are you going to do, arrest me?" And with a smile, the hologram vanished.

"Fascinating, Captain." Spock stepped forward as the other crew members filed down to the cave floor. "There could be so many uses for technology this advanced, and that man is just using it for…practical jokes?"

"Yes, it seems he'd be good friends with Uhura." Jim sighed, pulled off his mangled wig and tossed it away.

"We could stay and sweep the planet for him. I suggest – "

"No, Spock, I think I have quite had enough of this place." Kirk looked down at his magnificent dress and shrugged at it. "Why."

"I cannot answer that – "

"Oh, I know Spock." He put a hand on Spock's shoulder and smiled. "Come on, let's go."

"Cute." Mccoy staggered past, the dead weight that was Scotty's drunk ass over one shoulder.

* * *

A/N:

Tell me what you think! c: I would love to know, and I hope you're enjoying it! :D

Site I use for my Vulcan: /vld/

Sulu drove the Enterprise into the sun to instigate time travel at the end of Tomorrow is Yesterday :D Gotta love Sulu.

Jack the Ripper popped up at a time that suspiciously coincided with Scotty's woman-phobia.


	7. There is An Almighty Eyebrow Raise

**There is an Almighty Eyebrow Raise**

"It's always so good to be back on the bridge after something like that." Jim Kirk was seated in the Captain's chair with his perfect hair, sans stilettos and lipstick once more. Spock had replicated and distributed the growth cake to them all so they were no longer tiny. He looked up at Doctor Mccoy, in his usual spot to the left of him. "How's Scotty?"

"Well, I won't be pulling any teapots full of tribbles out his ass, but he'll be fine." Bones gave a wan smile, but Jim wore an expression of quite understandable confusion.

"Teapots full of tribbles…?"

"You know, I have the most strange memory." Uhura handed the Captain the avoidance notice for Planet Raegan Twelve and looked up at Spock. "I remember you in…in a maid dress, serving me and the baby Chekov dinner!"

"That…" He knew Mccoy's expression before he even glanced sideways at the climbing eyebrow. He had never told the doctor, but with eyebrow game like that, he had the beginnings of a reasonable Vulcan. "That is true, Lieutenant. I assure you, it was all necessary."

"I see." She just smiled and took the notice back from Kirk, whose eyes were 0.32% larger than usual.

"A maid's outfit?" The doctor's grin was almost wider than Sulu's had been as the Cheshire Cat.

"Indeed. But I did not eat blood-covered biscuits and drink tea from cups, may I quote 'pulled from a redshirt's ass'." He turned, fabulous 'science blue' eyeshadow and all to look at the doctor.

"Now now gentlemen, we all did what we had to in the line of duty." Jim's 'smarmy little shite' smile returned.

"Yes, but you know the one thing that puzzled me, Jim?" Now it was time for Bones' smarmy little shite smile.

"What is it Bones?" There was one thing that Spock found quite pleasing. That was Jim's innocent little face before either one of his friends fired the sass gun.

"For a ship's Captain, you walk extremely well in high heels."

"For once, I agree with the Doctor." Spock clasped his hands behind his back and looked down at Jim and his utterly flawless hair. "I have heard instruments like that take a great deal of practise to master."

"What can I say, I'm a talented man." Kirk looked decidedly shifty, then cleared his throat. "Sulu, set a course for the Galen system, take us out Warp 1."

He did not see the almighty eyebrow raise from his two friends before they headed back to their posts.

* * *

A/N:

So that's the end of that weird little episode :P I enjoyed writing it so much! Another episode should be out soon! They're too fun :D Leave a comment and tell me what you think! c:

Site for my Vulcan: /vld/

Shoutout to that one sweet-as guest for leaving a lovely comment and pandorablueskies for being that one awesome person and givin' this weird as fic a fav\follow :P


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